Article 19: Feelings that Hide

Heavy "rock walls" that cover our feelings may feel safe, but how does this affect our primary relationships?

by Mark and Jan YokersBurien-News Series: Marriage, The Long HaulThese past two weeks, we tore off the stone veneer from our house ( it was detaching from the exterior wall.) The very hardest section to remove was the final one. We assumed it would be very easy, as it appeared to be sitting on top of a concrete patio pad. As the stone came off, it became apparent that it was not sitting on top of the concrete slab. The stone was sitting on the foundation footing, which was 6" below the top of the concrete slab that had been poured after the stone had been set.That stone was not budging! Despite sledgehammer blows and pry bar maneuvering, that lower portion of stone remained firm. Jackhammer to the rescue, pulverizing and splitting the stone along with its mortar so it could be removed.Now, we have a trench to fill to obtain a smooth concrete slab. What a surprise! This experience reminds me (Mark) of a recent conversation with Jan, where I had difficulty finding "feeling words" to describe a painful situation that occurred as a teenager. Growing up, I felt like the black sheep of the family. I wasn't too sure why.As Jan was listening and asking questions, it seemed like I could only remember being mad and then distant, even bragging about feeling like the black sheep in my family. I slowly realized that I had hoped to avoid pain. As a child, the anger and separation were the more apparent and safe feelings for me. I also found relief in pushing the situation away by bragging about it and turning it into a "positive."But was there more? I knew there was.As we talked, it became clear to me that I had pushed down the feelings of rejection and dread. These were much more vulnerable feelings. I didn't let myself feel them. They were successfully buried. And that "rock wall" was hard to budge. When I discovered those more vulnerable feelings, I was able to share them with Jan and found great relief and comfort. She was my gentle jackhammer that day. No wonder I love her so much![caption id="attachment_16130" align="aligncenter" width="591"]

Rock Wall (image 123rf.com)[/caption]Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of "Boundaries," often states that "there is no healing outside of relationship". Most people live with heavy "rock walls" inside and cover them with feelings and reactions that seem safer for them. We have learned that confusion and frequent damage in primary relationships are fueled by those unseen injuries that are only healed when brought into the light with a safe confidante. Tools for such a search and conversation are on www.howwelove.com.There you can find the "12 questions to enhance any relationship" (also called the "Comfort Circle") and the "soul words list". Multitudes have found great healing in their primary relationships by using these tools. We sure have! For a fun assignment, go to the "How We Love" website and get the free "soul words list". Do it with your spouse or a safe friend. Pick the feelings you think are the most powerful for you. Then, pick the feelings that you think are your most vulnerable. Finally, pick the feelings you have the hardest time expressing or experiencing. This exercise will give you a better understanding of yourself and your partner or friend.Join the adventure!